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Deep Inside Of You

And some great need in me starts to bleed,
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone.
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you

They drove in silence. The dead kind of silence. That seeps into your bones. And your joints ache for everything and nothing at all. Lindsey shifted in her seat and leaned her head against the window. The cold pane numbing her skin. All that could be heard was the light pounding of the wheels against the interstate. Lindsey looked into the bleak sky. It was dull and so unkind. The thick dark clouds purged every sliver of sunlight that was valiant enough to test the stormy thickness of the sky. Taylor touched the radio, turning it up just a little louder then the breath. It was a sad love song. You know the type. Friendship turns to love, then death or the departed ether way it's a no-win situation.

He pulled into the dive way of his house and turned the engine off.

"Lindsey is there something you want to talk about." he asked as he rested his head on the steering wheel.

She whipped her head towards him. Over the duration of the summer, it being August now, she had become quite pale. It was like frozen light. She would gleam in the darkness of the moonlight. She was of Heaven sent. This Taylor knew, he could feel her angelic glow radiate.


Oceans of angels
Oceans of stars
Down by the sea is where you
Drown your scars
...I can't be near you
The light just radiates
I can't be near you
The light just radiates

He needed her touch. He needed more then anything to run his long slender fingers across her faint skin. To touch her natural crimson lips, to solely belong to her emerald eyes. He need so many things that were so close to be so far out of reach.

He often wondered if he ever crossed her mind like she does so often in his. If she needed his touch so much as he needed her's. If she was as drunk with the thought of him as he was her. He emitted a deep sigh. She looked at him. And smiled. And gently touched his arm.

"Taylor...are you sure I am the one needing to talk?" she whispered.

I am drunk with desire,

But I love the way you smile at me.

I love the way your hands reach out

and hold me near.

I believe.

He quietly laughed to himself.

"I always am the one doing the talking. I'm tired of people listening to me. I want to be the one to listen." Lindsey smiled.

"Well there's not much to say that you don't know." he smiled at how ironic he sounded. This was how he was, he denied Lindsey and himself the truth. He didn't think she could handle it yet. Or he wasn't able to handle it himself. Most likely the latter.

"Taylor...you are so closed off from every one. How do you cope with all the built up emotion."Lindsey said, mocking all that had ever been said to her.

"I have my ways." In truth, he had no release. Lindsey was his release. From everything but her. She created a whole new condition.

It's funny how we feel so much,
But we can not say a word.
We are screaming inside,
But we can't be heard.

She bit her lip. Taylor's head emerged from it's present position. The faint light from out side shown in through the pane, and flowered around her. He knew that he couldn't live with himself if she was not a part of him, but he needed more then best friend status, that was obtainable, he need something more from her. He need the to feel completion from the depths of her.

"Let's go somewhere." he breathed as he started up the engine again. "Somewhere we haven't been in a long while."

Lindsey sat back in the seat. "Where?"

"You'll see."

*****

He had driven to the outside edges of Tulsa and all its suburbs. When they were little their families would come out to this country side and have picnics on hot summer days. It was the ideal spot because if you followed the stream that ran along side of the open field, far enough you would come across the opening, or rather the ending, of a waterfall. It wasn't a big water fall, not at all, but it was wonderfully small and beautiful in just the way the water would trickle down the cascading rocks and fall to it's death and then immediately be resurrected in to the brook. Taylor pulled up into a large meadow spotted with wild black-eyed-susans that danced in the crisp August wind.

Lindsey looked out over the plain, familiarity settling in. She quickly open the car door and stepped out. The wind kissed her face as it blew the flowers into a foreign dance that is as old as time. She disposed of her shoes so she could feel the cold green blades comfort her feet as she walked over to Taylor. He, too, had the same idea of losing the shoes.

"It has been to long." Lindsey sighed as her eyes wander of every part and then back to Taylor, as he leaned up against the metal frame of his vehicle. She smiled at him, the type of silly child-like smile, that three and four years old cast when they have extremely grand, but in all of it's sublimity, it would be the simplest obtainable state.

*********

They walked lazily picking the wild flowers as they processed away from the car. It was now twilight, and the soft breeze carried a trace of moisture in it's wake. They walked until they could no longer, and then took refuge on the thick blanket of green.

Taylor looked up into the sky and over to Lindsey. Who was laying on her back picking a part the petals of a flower. She let go of each petal, falling down to a death it stubbornly accepted, floating in the soft breeze, lining her with golden hues.

I stare for awhile.
The world around us disappears,
It's just you and me on my island of hope.
A breathe between us could be miles.
Let me surround you
My sea to your shore.
Let me be the calm you seek.

Taylor knew this was the moment. The moment which would determine the life or the death of him. The moment that he had forever anticipated, was taking shape. All the elements were there Her childish aura was what he was lost in, and the thought of completion kept running through his mind.

"Lindsey....do you remember when you asked me if I wanted a star....and I said that they were all yours?" Taylor spoke slowly.

"Yeah." She said as she sat up next to him, a few golden petals slide off of her landing on his hands. "What about it?"

He sat back, his hand propping him up. He leaned next to Lindsey. He was so close to her. He could smell her fresh scent and immediately craved it. He drank in every aspect of her --- the way the moonbeams gently bounced off her skin. The way her hair spelt of lilacs and lavender. And how perfectly her lips were slightly open hanging on his each word. Embedded in memory forever this would be.

"I need your stars.....Lindsey....I need......you." he whispered lightly in her ear. His moist breath danced over her ear and his words seeped into her mind.

Her mind stopped. In all of her years. In everything that has ever happened tragic or light- hearted nothing, no preconceived thought, action. Nothing could prepare her for what she felt by his words and the meaning that he had implied. She didn't know what to feel how to respond, or what she wanted. She loved Taylor that was inevitable. Everyone loves him. But was she "in love" with him. That thought ran through her mind and trembled inside of her. She turned and faced him, and instantly was pulled into his blue dizzy realm.

He knew she could see right through him. She always had been able to. He tried to sort out the thoughts that ran through his head, but he was to late for reason. It had long since died. It died with the birth of her. And he knew it. He had always been lost in her. If he was to ever find himself which was lost deep inside of her, the fate of him was known. He would surely die, his breath would cease, and his pulse would no longer keep rhythm . Because he would not be breathing for her, and his heart would not be beating for her. All of what he was, is, and will be is summed up in the magnitude of her emerald eyes. He took a deep breath, and exhaled.

She could feel his hot breath on her, taunting her senses. She gently closed her eyes, trying to figure out what she wanted, what she needed from him. But his aura was too intoxicating to think sanely.

He needed to touch her. He need to feel her warm perfection. He need substantiation, to embody all of his emotion. He tenderly touched her lips with the tips of his fingers. Running along the smooth shape of her face. He leaned in, only once being this close to her, but this time only warmth and starshine radiated from her now. The tender taste of death, long gone with time. His lips gently came in contact with hers, taking her all in. Built up emotion, that had swelled to its full peak, thrust itself out through his lips. A surge of pure energy welled up inside of his body. He loved how she tasted so pure, and always would crave her honey essence.

She gave embodiment to his swell of emotions. It was like he knew nothing of what he felt, no way to describe it, feeling like no words would ever do them justice, but then she, Lindsey. Here she was. She was his emotion. She was the end. She was the beginning. She was everything.

The fleeting of her mind was the only thing that kept her grounded. She knew she had to break the hold that he had on her. His words pulsated. He wanted her. But what did she want? She wanted desperately to want him. She wanted to love him to the intensity that he loved her, maybe if possible, a degree higher. But she couldn't make herself. She knew that would only be a mistake. She had to untangle her self from the web he had woven around them. The one she had grown comfortable in. The one she loved to let free fall in. Free fall into oblivion with him to catch her when the concrete of her problems pulled her down so far, so hard. She was wounded. She needed time to heal the bruises. The deep scars that had been forced upon someone so pure, so new to the idea of death. So afraid. She needed to get out of this place. She needed to run away from everything that was stable. But most of all she had to get away from him. His blue eyes. Manipulators of the heart, the mind, of the entire being.

She broke away from his kiss. She stood up, veering her eyes away from his. A few tears slide down her flush cheeks. He stood up, trying to console her, it hurt him that he was the cause of this pain. But she carried pain with her too.

Lindsey brushed him off, walking at a quickening pace towards the vehicle. He followed her. He would always follow her it seemed. Just to be close to her. But what had this accomplished? Had their friendship been diminished by a simple act of love?

He prayed. He hoped God was listening. Surely God knows of the pain of a dying heart. How it crumbles and withers and burns deep inside of you. How you would like nothing more then to just die. Because you would feel no more pain. And the tears that you would shed would only help the flowers grow.

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