Chapter 3 [maybe.someday.you'll.get.it.right]
(alexandra) "I'm comming" I said as I made my way through the clutter that was the epitome of my dorm room. "Almost there." my voice echoed through the air as my fingers clasped the door handle."Hey Zac."
"Okay, I hope you like Thai...it was the only place open this late." Zac came barreling through the open door, and sat the containers of food on my desk.
"Not there." I warned as I quickely grabed the two containers and put them on Lynn's side of the room..the part that never has seen books, so there would be no chance that it could ever mess such things up.
Zac took off his coat and laid it on my bed. "You haven't celebrated the end-of-smester-finals-that-suck-are-over, with out me?" he almost laughed that out. I rolled my eyes as I sat down in a chair and grabed a fork.
"Of course not...how could I ever celebrate anything with out the master of cermonies-concerning-all-things-retarted, himself?" I looked at him over my very native Thai food container.
"Okay, then...just makin' sure" Zac pulled up a chair and sat down next to me, as he too, began to consume a meal that will surely consume him later. He has a history. Food and him, that is.
I looked over at him. Everything in the past few weeks had changed so dramatically. I mean, geneically I am still Alexandra Carr Watson the daughter of Madeline and Andre Watson...but everything inside of me feels different. It feels vivid. If a feeling can feel such.
"What?" he smiled over at me.
"Nothing, really. I was just thinking." I smiled in his direction. But it was a sad sort of smile. One that is only plastered, never made real.
"About what?" He continued.
"It must be a really long nothing." I rolled my eyes.
Zac leaned back in his chair, and reached in his coat pocket, pulling out to objects wrapped in foil. He placed one in front of me, and the other infront of himself.
"What is this?"
"Cheesecake." he said nonchantely, as if it were a normal thing to have slices of cheesecake in one's pocket.
I opened the foiled object, and sure enough -- real cheesecake. "I do believe I have never had cheesecake delievered from a man's pocket before...is this an American custom?"
"Oh, yeah...it's big in the MidWest." he smiled. I walked over and grabbed two clean forks from near my closet.
"You know what would be simply brillant with cheesecake?" Zac looked up from his position near the lamplight that was stationed near my desk. "A 1981 vintage Merlot...harvested near the seaport of a small southwestern French city. Aged in 100 year old oak casks." I'm sure I had quite a dreamy look on my face, I tend to get that way when I let my passion for good wine be aroused.
"Okay...a little to much there...but I should be used to it." he said as he turned his attention to me instead of his food.
I went to my closet and slid the door open, revealing my makeshift wine cellar. I took out a tinited red bottle and grabbed two wine glasses from above the rack.
"You are weird." he spoke quietly as he watched me pour his glass.
"What is normal?" I asked as I looked up at him. Truely...what is normal? Is there really ever a "good" definition for what is normal and what is abnormal? I seriousely doubt it.
We sat in an agonizing silence...well, agonizing to me anyways...for what started to feel like an eternity.
"We leave at a 11 o'clock tomarrow morning, and it looks as though you have yet to pack." Zac stated as he looked around my dorm room. I'm actually surprised he could even see the floor on which his chair rested on.
"I can't believed you talked me into spending Christmas with your family....in Oklahoma." I spouted. I had never even been outside of Boston, and now Oklahoma? What in God's name is in Oklahoma? And let's not be besides one self...but his family? and me meeting them? How, exactly, long have I known this Mr. Zac Hanson? What -- maybe all of 2 weeks. This is me being not me. If one could ever understand the meaning in that statement. But atlas, it is very true. I am not one to go gallivanting across the midsection of any contitent for that matter with practically a stranger. But maybe this whole thing could work out. And there is that chance that I might have a good time. God Forbid, I have a good time.
"It will be okay...I swear you have nothing to worry about." He smiled evasively. Which could mean two things: a) he's lying; doesn't know what will become of this escapade and the time to be had will only be enjoyed by those watching, and b) he knows exactly what will happen -- and he's not telling.
"But.." I pouted.
"But nothing, they are expecting you."
This is unfair. Everything about this event -- he has compeletly monopolized my whole self. How did I ever let go of my resolve and fall fully into a compelet moron's arms? A moron in that I doubt he knows just exactly what I feel when I'm near him -- and the thought of spending 2 and one half weeks with him would only fuel that fire.
I looked down at my hafe eaten cheesecake and my now empty wine glass. Thoughts flashed in my memory of a time long before where dreams dance and fairies flittered, and the moon smiled in the company of the stars. But now the merciless wind had begun to moan, and the stars they shined in a void -- no longer in the tapestry of darkness -- only in my memory. I was beautiful then.
Zac cleared his thoat. I had seemed to have forgotten him. His presence had begun to feel so natural, but nothing about this -- this friendship -- seemed natural. It felt as thought it were a dream, because reality is like hard, cold sunshine -- bitter and bright. And this could never be that. It is like soft pale moonlight. The type that beams and dances dizzily around its victims.
"Well I'm going now, it seems that you are quite content with being alone with "nothing" then with me." Zac seemed defeated tonight. I didn't mean to cause such offences, my mind tends to ramble, some times much more the my mouth does. I don't know what he wants from me. He seems to expect that I know how he feels and what he is thinking but I am only human. I do not mean to dissapoint him, as so often I feel I do.
"It's not like that." My words whispered after him as he slowly made his way out my door.
(zac) I walked in to my dark dorm room and sat on my couch. It was cold in this place -- much like the way I felt. I just don't understand her, sometimes -- most of the times. The light switched on and Lindsey walked out from the shadows.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Lindsey smirked, as she sat down next to me. It funny how females have that sixth sense about them that can tell when something is wrong. Alexandra I don't think has that, or she doesn't use it. My eyes traced Lindsey and her entirety.I had forgotten how pretty she was, especially at night. I used to sit up on clear nights and listen to the hum of crickets and just watch her through the slits of the blinds in my room. She was so funny about the night.
"Oh come one, it's good to get the weight of one's mind lifted every now and then."
"When are you leaving, again?" I smiled.
"Tomarrow at 9:15 am sharp."
"Good, then I won't have any one left to nag me."
"Yeah well, Christmas is coming soon." she stated as she got up off the couch and began to make a pot of tea.
"Why are you here again, my memory keeps elapsing?"
"So many questions, so many answers. I feel as though I am playing in this mad round of 'Let's ask Lindsey 1,001 questions so she won't get any sleep and miss her flight out.' -- Because the University needed some one to promote women in science. And so now I go around talking to females at different universities about the field of science, and equality and stuff like that."
"Sounds like a bus load of 'bs' if you ask me."
"Oh it is...I only do it because it's hours towards completing my doctrine."
"Questions number 385: Where did you go today?"
"Wellesley...the all girls school 40 minutes outside Boston." I could hear her swishing the tea bags around in the boiling water. This was nice. Everything about her visit was nice. It reminded me of home and just how much I truly miss it. Lindsey walked in from my kitchen area and handed me a cup of hot tea.
"I hate tea." I spouted out at her while I looked at the dark substance whirling about in my cup.
"I know...drink up." I hate how she is sometimes -- so perfect. I watched from the corner of my eye the slow movements that she would make as she sipped her tea. Thoughts began to spiral out from my subconscious. Thoughts of Alexandra and the first time we met at Starbucks. How the whole thing was setup by Lynn so she could have the dorm room to herself. I was just suppose to distract Alexandra and get her out of the way -- not develop an urge like no other to be near her. And now I don't know if I should have gone through with Lynn's scheme. It would have been easier never to have meet someone so confusingly wonderful. I sighed deeply as that thought dance through my mind.
"So when are you comming home for Christmas?" The question rather caught me off gaurd. Although it was not a peculiar question of any sorts, I was just lost in my own thoughts. Completely and totally lost.
"Tomarrow, I'm catching a flight out after I drop you off at the airport?
"Is the person you are upset with coming by chance?"Lindsey cocked her eyebrow. I hate all things concerning women and prying behavior. I now understand why so many people are still baffled by Taylor's sexuality.
"Oh come on...you know Diana is up in knots, because someone didn't tell her anything about this 'mysterious person' that someone is bringing home." I smiled, I needed a fast subject change. Something that would compeletly change the direction of this converstation in it's entirety.
"So when exactly are you coming home for Christmas?"
"That's a good question. I'll have to ask next time when I get my updated itinerary." she looked down. She had always been over emotional, but had developed a really good method of hiding it from others. But I guess every sliver lining has a break some where in the design. I followed her eyes to the ground and then to her hands. I could still see the scars on her wrists, they had faded considerably, but they were still there. They were still hers.
"Taylor's gonna kill you...you do know that, don't you?"
"Yes I am very well aware of that, thank you very much" Lindsey sat down her tea cup on the coffee table infront of us, and sighed...a sad sigh of sorts."I've recieved many of his death threats, already."
"It all started when you went UC Berkeley to further you academic carrer."
"Yes, I know. And then Taylor decided to go to Chicago to further his...and that's when everything got crazy." she turned and smiled at me. "But it's only for a little while longer. Taylor finshes his masters this semester, and I have about 2 1/2 years left until I complete my doctrine."
"I still don't see how you are getting done so fast."
"Alot of summer school." she laughed. A silence began to drift between us. It was a rather comfortable silence in its own speical way. I hate moments like these, though. Well...I'm beginning to. It gives me time to think, and well, honestly I don't want to think...right now.
This was going to be hard for me. I had never been big on communicating my feelings in spoken form. Isaac was always really good at that. I think he would just come up with lines and phrases that made no sense and then concoct a really good "logical" explanation. I still don't think some of them make sense. Choppy little segments about the moon and pine trees and sound waves. It's all too "alternative" for me. "Have you ever felt really confused about some one, say...Taylor?"
"All the time."
"How did you know what to do."
"You don't...that's why it's called 'confusing'" she laughed. Her laugher died down and flickered into nothing more then a slight smile. She seemed to be waiting for something, I know not of, but something. I doubt she knew what she was waiting for either. Humans tend to have that habit. But aren't humans creatures of habit?
"Well, I'm going to bed if you don't mind, I have an early flights to catch." she stated as she patted my knee and walked to my bed room. The only thing that sucked about this slumber party that Lindsey and I are having is that I have to sleep on the couch.